


No More

by littlekittykanny



Series: Shambles of the 587th [1]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, At least this padawan doesn't, Jedi don't have good coping mechanisms, Jedi have no coping mechanisms, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-28 06:43:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11412420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlekittykanny/pseuds/littlekittykanny
Summary: A Jedi padawan loses her master and her battalion after a disastrous battle. She does not deal with the loss well.





	No More

**Author's Note:**

> Please note, the self-harm may not be in graphic detail, but this fic does involve self-mutilation and possible suicide. If you do not wish to read of this or has triggers involving cutting, please do not continue on. This has been a PSA.

His mouth felt like cotton. His head was dizzy and his hands were shaking. A datapad was barely held in his grasp as he raced down the halls. He could vaguely hear his brothers asking him what the rush was. He could vaguely hear Commander Wolffe ordering him to stop, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t stop.

Where was she? Where was she?! Where would see go on this ship? Had General Koon already come across her? Did he know where she was? Could he find her in time?

He felt his heart race, terrified of what he may find.

Kot could hear his brothers chasing after him now. He could hear Sinker and Boost yelling for him to stop. Suddenly it was as if someone had torn his heart straight from his chest. He felt the bitter sting of sorrow and guilt. He could feel it coming from…from her quarters. He skidded to a stop before turning to look at the brothers following him.

Kot punched in his emergency code to his commander’s door and stepped inside. He felt time stop as he watched her raise the knife to her neck. He felt bile rise in his throat as he raced over to her, ignoring the shouts of his brothers behind him.

Kot dropped the datapad and tore the knife from her hands and threw it to the ground. Kot felt nauseous when he saw a faint line of red appear on her neck.

She fell back onto her bunk, drawing Kot’s attention to her arms. He felt a scream get caught in the back of his throat as he snapped for one of his brothers to help. He grabbed the first brother he saw and commanded him to put as much pressure as possible on her left forearm. He quickly went to work, cleaning and patching up the surgeon like incisions she’d made on her right.

Hazy blue eyes looked at the other clone briefly before focusing on Kot. Their eyes locked for a moment, pain and anguish etched into her blue gaze.

“…just let me go…” she whispered. “They are dead and I’m alive and that makes me hate my existence. I deserve to die. I couldn’t-I couldn’t protect anyone.”

“Commander, you can’t make me give up on you. Nobody can. So, stop trying,” Kot choked. “I’m not letting you go. You did protect someone. You protected me, protected Faultline, protected Phobos! We would have been crushed to death if it hadn’t been for you.”

“Kot-it’s too much. Everything. It’s just too much. Everything hurts. Everything hurts.”

“No! No, Dalia! I’m not-we can get through this! You, me, Phobos, and Faultline! We can do this! Just-Just let us help you!” Kot snapped, moving to her other arm.

He looked at the brother who had assisted him to find Commander Wolffe staring back at him. Kot swallowed before asking Wolffe to comm the medbay and tell them they were coming. He scooped her up into his arms, an easy feat with her being so small.

Kot’s actions were droid-like in nature as he single-mindedly walked to the medbay, flanked by Commander Wolffe, Sergeant Sinker, Boost and Warthog. Walking into the too white room, he felt a sense of dread. He’d have to hand her over. Kot really didn’t want to hand her over to the other medics or the med-droid. He needed to be with her. He needed to stay. He-

“Kot! Kot! Vod, you need to let her go now. Commander Simonis’s in the medbay. General Koon is on his way. The med-droid will take care of her. Dalia’s safe.”

Kot jumped at the realization that Sinker had a hand on his shoulder and the other on Dalia’s knee. He looked around at the concerned gazes of his brothers before staring at the droid who was gesturing him to place her down on the bed before backing up.

The med-droid quickly took his place, scanning her and inquiring what had happened. Kot struggled to find his voice, looking mutely to his brothers for help. Just as Wolffe stepped up to answer, General Koon came rushing through the medbay doors. The Kel Dorian was visibly tense and looked at Kot.

“How did you know she’d try to kill herself? I felt a disturbance, but how did you know-” he asked in a hushed voice.

Kot swallowed before looking at Warthog. He saw the datapad in his brother’s hands and gestured for it mutely. Warthog turned it over to Kot, who turned it on for General Koon.

“I knew because she told me. She left me, Phobos, and Faultline a note…I found it while changing my uniform to prepare for my shift. I switched with Jax to take the night shift instead of the day shift. I hadn’t told Commander Simonis yet…”

“So she assumed you’d be on duty like Phobos and Faultline and that you would not find her notes until the deed was completed,” Plo said softly. “But what she didn’t count on was you going through the trouble to ensure at least one of you remained with her while she was off duty.”

“Yes, sir. I’ve been prepared for this. I just kind of wish I wasn’t,” Kot rasped, trying to keep his emotions in check. “She-she’s not a clone, sir. Commander Simonis hasn’t been conditioned to resist suicidal thoughts or actions like we have. Our entire battalion and her master were wiped out barely three planetary rotations ago. I expected something of this nature to happen.”

Plo Koon nodded gravely before responding, “It is good that you were prepared. The war has been so time consuming, I had little chance to notice. She hid it very well and I can’t sense more than she wants me too without harming her already delicate state of mind. I will talk to the council about sending her back to the Temple. In the meantime, I do not want her left alone for a moment. Wolffe, station at least one trooper with her at all times, and Kot?”

The trooper looked at the Jedi with a lost and pained expression. Plo moved forward and set his hands on the medic’s shoulder.

“This isn’t your fault. Son, you did what you could to save your commander back on that moon. The four of you have been through so much in such a short amount of time,” the Kel Dorian jedi said firmly. “The losses have been great. If anyone is to blame it should be me. I didn’t sense the depth of her anguish until now.”

Kot shook his head fiercely before responding, “You don’t know her. You don’t know what she acts-what she acted like before! You’re busy with the war. I should have noticed something sooner.”

“We are far from perfect,” Plo said, gently squeezing the clone’s shoulders, “What matters is that we’re here for her now. Now that I know she is safe, I must discuss this with the council immediately. Wolffe, please come with me. Kot, keep watch over her.”

Plo patted Kot on the back before pushing him towards the med-droid. The general dismissed the other troopers back to their posts, leaving Kot to stare blankly at the unmoving girl. He groaned before putting bloody hands to his face.

What was he going to tell Phobos and Faultline?


End file.
